Remember this song?
Do you feel like you have a calling? Like there is something in life you are meant to be doing?
I do. And I don’t.
It’s complicated. (Isn’t it always?)
It feels like my entire being is straining towards … something. But what that something is? I have a few ideas, but nothing concrete.
For as long as I can remember, I have been searching. Searching for a spark, that thing that ignites the fire in my chest and causes me to jump up and down screaming, “This is it!” When I was younger, it manifested itself through my myriad extracurricular activites: I went from gymnastics to bellydancing to kickboxing to figure skating and back again. Now that I am in the throes of young adulthood, it is manifesting itself in my search for a meaningful way to live my life that doesn’t leave me feeling empty every day.
Needless to say, I haven’t found that thing yet.
I don’t know if I will ever find that thing. Which terrifies me. Will I always go through life feeling completely dissatisfied and disillusioned? Will I ever find that thing that my heart is yearning towards?
There are things that I know I was meant for: traveling, writing, motherhood. If I knew how to fit all of those things together to create this vague life I have pictured in my head, I would do it in a heartbeat. I envy all those people who take leaps of faith when they don’t know what they’re leaping into.
I am afraid afraid afraid.
I want to take a step, I just want to start, but with no clear idea of what path I am on, I have no idea what that first step should be.
And so I whine, and I sigh, and I fidget in this life that I have that is wonderful and yet doesn’t quite fit.
For all intents and purposes, I am still in turmoil.
Will it last forever?
I hope not. I don’t know what I’ll do if it does.
I guess I just have to try every day to be satisfied with what I have, to look around at all that has been given to me and be grateful, while continuing to search for that one little piece that is missing. I have to somehow straddle that line between contentment and striving for more.
Honestly, it sounds exhausting.
But what’s a girl to do? It’s out there somewhere. I know it. I’ll find it one day. And then all of this struggle will have been worth it.
Latest posts by Jessica (see all)
- The One Year Mark: 101 in 1001 - March 1, 2014
- Quitting My Job Without Another One Lined Up Was the Best Risk I Ever Took - February 24, 2014
- Canmore: A Photo Essay - February 19, 2014