Self-censorship

Creative Commons © 2012 Akbar Sim

I spend a lot of time hiding myself. Constructing a persona that will be pleasing to as many people as possible. That will convince those who love me that I don’t have any dangerous opinions or original thoughts. I censor myself. I spend tons of time wondering if I would be better off acting differently, spending more time on my appearance, and on and on and on, forever and ever, it’s exhausting.

I worry all of the time that people will not like me if I don’t act a certain way. And I live in constant fear of people not liking me.

Seriously.

It’s absurd. We all know that it is impossible to make everyone happy, all of the time. It is impossible to be all things to all people and it is a recipe for disaster to even try. And yet, that is how I spend my time. Stretching myself thin, trying to achieve just that. Trying not to say anything that might offend anyone, even when they are things that I believe in with all my heart and soul.

I want to talk about religion and homosexuality/homophobia, sexism, politics, and the craziness of family relationships. I want to talk about efforts to be greener and more natural. I want to talk about  my deep obsession with vampires always, and The Vampire Diaries currently. I can rant about these things for hours in person, but I’ve never made a peep about them on here because I don’t want to offend anyone (or bore anyone). I don’t want my Catholic mother to read my thoughts about religion and see me differently. Even though, really, I am different than she thinks I am if she isn’t aware of how I feel about religion. Which I don’t think she is.

I don’t want to be so fake anymore. I don’t want to be so worried about what other people think of me. I just want to be me, and think my thoughts, and say what I have to say, and if people like me, then fine, that’s wonderful, but if they don’t, that’s fine too.

I want to let go of this need to have everyone like me. I want to let go of this need to be accepted by everyone.

I just want to be honest. Because if you’re not honest, if you’re not going to tell the truth, especially about who you are, then what’s the point of any of it?

The following two tabs change content below.
Jessica

Jessica

Jessica can most often be found with her nose in a book, or writing her newest short story/screenplay/novel, but she also has a passion for travel, child-care & development, psychology, feminism (and other forms of equality), and making the world a better place in general. Email Me