Coming to You Live From the Corner of Tired and Apathetic

Things have been shitty lately. Not in a “life is really terrible” kind of way, because my oh my, life isn’t terrible (insert long list of all the things I’m grateful for here). I have just felt tired and listless and uninspired. For months. Even the things that I love do not energize me! Not even watching The Avengers, which I have done something like 6 times in the last week and a half. (This might be an exaggeration. Maybe.)

Our apartment is a disaster. A gross disaster. I haven’t done dishes in a week. Thankfully, with Bryan being away, the kitchen mess isn’t approaching critical mass like it occasionally has in the past, but still, seeing those dirty dishes fills me with feelings of guilt and shame. So I duck into the living room, put on a movie/TV show, and try to forget about it.

There are boxes crowding up the living room of stuff that we want to sell/donate/throw away. I haven’t seen the surface of our desk in ages. The bedroom floor hasn’t been swept in weeks and is a disturbing mosaic of dust and hair that I occasionally try to scoop up with my fingers.

I have half of my TV pilot written, which I was (and, ironically, am still) so very excited about. Finally, a project that made me feel excited! And I was excited. Until I missed a day of working on it and haven’t been back to it since. I’ve thought about it a lot, plotting and thinking of different situations, which counts as work but unfortunately does not get the project finished.

I was going to do NaNoWriMo this year, but put off planning any of it, and came up with my idea yesterday, then proceeded to sit on the couch for three hours instead of doing anything productive.

This blog has been brutally, cruelly neglected.

Are we seeing the pattern? Things need to get done. I want to get them done. And yet. I find myself lacking the energy to do said things, or to even try. My head feels cloudy and I have zero motivation.

I feel like a ghost, or a sleep-walker, or a lost child in a department store crying for my mother.

I wish someone could fix this for me. I wish that it didn’t come down to me. Because fixing things takes commitment, and energy, and motivation, and good God, but I am lacking those things lately.

People say: do things! Just do them, and you will feel better. And sometimes I do. Last night, I hung some hooks in the foyer that have been sitting on our kitchen table for a couple of weeks, just waiting for me to get my ass in gear and put them where I promised I would put them. And then I went through my sad sack CD collection that so clearly screams 90s kid! (I own all the Backstreet Boys CDs, as well as Spice Girls and NSync. And Avril Lavigne.) And then I was exhausted.

And the sad thing is, I do do things! Sometimes. I am volunteering with the YWCA. I work 9.5 hour days (which is a whole other contributing factor that we are just going to ignore). I am trying to write. I have started DIY projects. AND STILL.

So I’m at my wits end.

Something’s got to give, and sadly, it will probably be my sanity.

But I’ll keep working on it, because what else can I do? I don’t want to go through my life feeling like nothing but a pale reflection of myself. I’ll keep trying, and I hope that anyone else who feels this way, or has ever felt this way, will keep trying too.

Eventually, things have to get better.

Even if it’s just the long-lasting peace of the final sleep.

Kidding. Kind of.

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Jessica can most often be found with her nose in a book, or writing her newest short story/screenplay/novel, but she also has a passion for travel, child-care & development, psychology, feminism (and other forms of equality), and making the world a better place in general. Email Me